No one likes to think about having a fight with their partner, but the reality of it is that arguments happen in relationships. And honestly, I think it’s better to know how to have constructive arguments rather than ones where you feel like you’re on a merry-go-round and not really accomplishing anything positive.
Learning how to have constructive arguments is something Bryan and I have had to learn to do over the years and I really think it has helped us develop a strong relationship foundation. With that said, I want to share a few tips on how to constructively and more important, respectfully, get through an argument with your spouse or significant other.
Try to keep a calm state of mind
The most helpful thing I’ve learned about arguing in a relationship is to try to keep a calm state of mind. Have you ever gotten upset about something but before you even talk to your partner about it you have a whole conversation about it with them in your head, which then gets you even more fired up before you actually talk to your partner? I’ve been there. And I can tell you it’s never helped anything work itself out. Keep calm, stay rational and don’t build things up in your mind before talking.
Don’t raise your voice
When you feel really passionate about your point of view it can be easy to raise your voice quickly, but keeping things at a conversation level helps immensely I’ve learned. Even if you need to take a break from the argument and step away for a minute, it feels a lot better for me to tell Bryan that I need a second rather than to get to the point where I feel like I need to shout.
Explain your perspective instead of theirs
This one is huge. Don’t claim to know their perspective during an argument. Only talk about your view and your feelings and what you feel like you need from them to move forward. Once you’ve shared your side, let them have their turn telling you what they need. And try your hardest not to interrupt. I’ve found this approach leads to a more productive conversation whereas already claiming to know their perspective before they tell you can lead to a bigger fight.
Don’t threaten your relationship
No matter what the argument is about, don’t get to a place mentally where you feel the need to threaten your relationship. Constantly threatening to leave your partner isn’t healthy and could mean there are bigger, foundational issues in your relationship. If you do feel this way, then I suggest my next tip…
Don’t be afraid to work with a therapist
There is absolutely no shame in working with a couple’s therapist. Learning to communicate through an argument (or just communication in general) in a relationship is hard and a therapist can help you, as a couple, learn how to effectively communicate with each other. That alone 100% makes working with a therapist worth it from my perspective.
Are these tips helpful for you guys? Relationships are hard – no matter how easy people make them look on Instagram – so sharing things like this is really important to me. I’d love to know if you all would like to see more on this topic.